For me.. it wasn't just one thing.. it was a gradual combination and building of small things...
Like all the slapping an whacking of kids in the washroom.. because they didn't sit still or weren't quiet enough..(that would go through me like a knife)
The subserviants of women in the congregation. Women not being able to give the correct answer if a baptized male had given a wrong answer. That doily on a woman's head to say a prayer in front of a man.
Why women did the bulk of the witnessing work while the men got to order everybody around.
When an elder told me that I had to do everything he said because "he was divinely appointed by Jehovah"..and I shouldn't disobey him. That one really rocked the rot.
Never enough,never enough, too weak, too young, too female, dress.. too long and too short. beard too wild, mushtache too bushy.......................
And then.. and then...the big one
The teenage distraught, sick, young girl who I welcomed into my home.. to find out she was being sexually molested by a man in her congregation...and how when I took her, I took her..to the elders for help.. they told her to protect Jehovah god.. and that because when there are no witness to these things and the brother does not confess to it.. then we need to sweep it under the rug. Some scripture used to ..
Let yourself be wronged instead of your brother..
Her months and months and months of recovery in my home. The tortured nights holding her in my arms as she shook like a leaf as she wept, night after night... The hospital and the social worker,, The throwing up that she did because of all the hurt feelings that she went through and stuffing her feelings down inside....The police officers... and the constant denials of her molester... the denials of her elders.. the rejection of her sibblings and her family of origin. Her severe loss of weight..her having to drop out of school because of the emotional trauma..and me being told to keep my mouth shut... and then the elder telling me.. that he was divinely appointed by jehovah.. and that I had to do what he said..
I took her to the elders ...FOR HELP!!!!!.. and what she got was shame, guilt, unbelief in what she brought forth... and a public announcement of her being "BAD ASSOCIATION""" And they shunned this young teenager and she wasn't even baptized... This was a KID,, I mean a KID.
An elder telling me I was responsible for killing my kids and my spouse because I had stopped going to meetings.
... I pause now.....
...(sigh)..because I am speechless
. because I have written what has been secret in my heart ...
there is too much more to this long winding story...
and I already feel vulnerable because of what I have said..
I am sad.. because I was the older person.. who took her for help
They not only betrayed her... they betrayed ME.. and my trust in them
special K